Aren't You Relieved?

I feel like I have been walking around in a bit of a fog since waking up Friday morning. I, like so many others, woke up on Friday and saw the horrific news out of Dallas.

Infographic from the linked Washington Post article. Click the image to see the entire article.

My husband was a police officer for many years - before we were together, while we were dating and for most of our marriage. He left law enforcement about 18 months ago for a job in the civilian sector. It was a hard decision, but it was one we both agreed was better for our family life. As a police officer, the kids hardly saw him... I swear, LEO kids are the toughest, most amazing group. But Stu wanted to be around more, so he jumped ship. 

We are still a Blue family. We will always be one. I do not think we will ever be "just someone watching the news" - we hurt, we cry, we pain for lost family. Because to us, they are family. 

Since Dallas (and pretty much any other police tragedy story), many people have made the comment, "I bet you're so relieved Stu's not an officer anymore." Or something to that effect. It is an innocent comment. 

But honestly, no. No, I am not relieved. When I see the news, read the stories, scroll through Facebook and see news blasts about murdered police officers, my reaction is never "Man, I am glad that's not us." Truly. My first response is to cry. I cry for the wife. I cry for the kids. I cry for the Department. I cry for the nation. I cry for my husband. I cry for Law Enforcement friends. It is always painful. It is always heartbreaking. There is never relief. 

When people ask if I am relieved, or make the comment that I probably am, I usually nod in agreement. It seems easier for me to say "Yes, I am" than for me to explain that I cried (hard) for people I didn't know. I cried when I told me kids about the Dallas murders (because, yes, I told them). It is easier to agree than it is to explain that Law Enforcement may not pay our bills anymore, but it is always a part of us. 

I have never been relieved. And I pray to God I never am. 

I published this article in 2014. Feel free to read and share. Click on the image to be taken to it.

I have written about police deaths before. Unfortunately. 

I hope one day there will not be the need. But I doubt it. 

This career is unlike any other that I know of (maybe firefighters and soldiers). It's not a job of random people working together. It is a family. Only other LEO spouses know what it's like to kiss your hubs goodbye while subconsciously hoping it's not the last time, yet somehow always being prepared for the worst. 

Only other LEO families know the joy the sound of velcro can bring. Only other LEO families know the distinct smell motor boots have - and are happy to smell it because it means he's home. 

These things bring us together. These things are the reason so many officers travel from so far to attend the funeral of a brother or sister they never met. 

To the families and friends of the Dallas PD - You are in our prayers. You are in our hearts. You have friends in Florida hurting, crying, praying and loving you.